Why you should be nice to your relatives, especially the older ones …
WILL OF HERMAN OBELWEISS
I am writing of my will
mineselluf that dam lawyer want
he should have too much money,
he asked to many answers about
family. first thing i want i dont
want my brother oscar have a
dam ting what i got. he done me
out of forty dollars fourteen years
I want it that hilda my sister
she gets the north sixtie akers of
at where i am homing it now. i bet
she dont get that loafer husband
of hers to broke twenty akers next
plowing time. she cant have it if
she lets oscar live on it i want it i
should have it back if she does.
Tell mamma that six hundred
dollars she been looking for for
twenty years is berried from the
backhouse behind about ten feet
down. she better let little frederick
do the digging and count it
when he comes up.
Pastor lucknitz can have three
hundred dollars ifhe kiss the book
he wont preach no more dumhead
polotics. he should have a roof put
on the meetinghouse with (it) and
the elders should the bills look at.
Momma the rest should get but i
want it that adolph shud tell her
what not she do so no more slick
irishers sell her vokum cleaners
dy noise like hell and a broom dont
cost so much.
I want it that mine brother
adolph should be my execter and i
want it that the jedge make
adolph plenty bond put up and
watch him like hell.
Adolph is a good business man
but only a dumkoph would trust
him with a busted pfenning. i
want dam sure that schlemic
oscar dont nothing get. tell adolph
he can have a hundred dollars if
he prove to jedje oscar dont get
nothing. that dam sure fix oscar.
(signed) Herman Obelweiss.
I’ve had this piece for my entire legal career and have used it many times in speeches. It’s cute, and is reported to be an actual Will filed in Anderson County, Texas. Don’t let it be said that the law is totally dry.